Crunch!

Very, very rare is the discovery of a true soul mate. Someone who understands and shares one of your deepest passions is a beacon of light in the gray, cloudy world of non-cereal eaters. I have found my people. I don’t know Scott and Andrew (yet), but they are my best friends. Scott and Andrew host my new favorite binge: the Cereal Killers podcast. 

I’ve arrived at work to find Cinnamon Toast Crunch on my desk (#bestboss), received it for birthdays and traveled home from vacation with coveted boxes. Hate those annoying food days at work? I do. Unknown home cooking conditions, fire hazard crockpots and unidentifiable Midwestern potluck dishes, I’ll pass. Do cereal day instead! Put a couple of people on bowls and spoons, a couple on milk and everyone else brings in a box. So much less work and so much more delicious. As a result of my thriftiness, most of my year is spent eating off-brand cereals. Cinnamon Toasters, Fruit Rings or Oat Toasties anyone? That expensive box of Cinnamon Chex? That lands on my Christmas list. This tradition can be traced back to Santa Claus himself. Growing up, stockings were always filled with a few mini boxes of the coveted sugar cereals that were not regularly stocked in the pantry. Needless to say, my love for cereal runs deep, so the Cereal Killers podcast rocks my world. Literally. I am usually laughing so hard that my desk shakes.

Despite the fact that the podcast feels like the brainchild of a couple of out of work buddies trapped at home, Cereal Killers is not a product of the pandemic. Scott and Andrew have been crunching since 2019. Each episode loosely follows a similar recipe: review and rate new and classic cereals. At times, a theme such as “healthy” or “peanut butter” is in place.  From typical cereals such as Life and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to completely obscure offerings that should never have been created (Post’s Chicken and Waffles and General Mills’ Dippin Dots), you cannot help but taste vicariously through them. One spoonful of your childhood favorite and, even though they are eating it, not you, your memories drift fondly to Saturday morning cartoons, trips to the grocery store to put your sugar cereal negotiating skills to the test – I’ll just eat it on the weekends! – and more of life’s simple pleasures. The screen grabs from their YouTube recordings reveal that Scott is recording from cereal heaven, where there are shelves full of brightly colored boxes and Scott dives into the ‘cereal sack’ to pull out the days variety. The episode length, 15-20 minutes average, is genius. This is cereal not brain surgery; there is no need to discuss it ad nauseam. 

Just as Apple Cinnamon Cheerios is dusted with the perfect number of cinnamon specks, Cereal Killers is spiked with the perfect amount of humor and sarcasm. Scott and Andrew’s relationship is a mix of best friends and old marrieds, in the best possible way. They snipe and bicker. They laugh and poke fun. Scott is older and treats Andrew like a little brother, happy to be in charge but remembering when he was the only kid in the house. Yes, I am the eldest sibling in my family. Andrew gags. Scott belches. Wilford Brimley croaks “diabetes.” Older episodes and new ones, I am eating it up and loving every bite. My cereal universe has brightened ten fold. Now 'tis time to begin my master plan: convince Scott and Andrew to let me join them as a guest taster, then as a guest host, then as a co-host, then we catch the attention of major cereal brands, the podcast takes off, and suddenly free cereal is arriving at my door. The path is clear, I'll just follow my nose.